Following the collapse of the Fish & Pig Weekly, nearly four years were to pass before Zev Handel developed the resolve to once again immerse himself in the publications business. The Somervillian was the brainchild of Zev and friend David Cohen; its purpose was to keep the world abreast of critically important developments at the flat they shared with Ben Hippen in Somerville, Massachusetts, following graduation from college. The story behind the name chosen for this hard-hitting newspaper remains a mystery.
The Somervillian was written, edited, and published by Zev and David, and a dedicated staff of hundreds who failed to report for work. Although the scale of the enterprise remained small, its brains were never hare- nor its minds ever small-, and its prose was never clunk-. Was all the effort worthwhile? The influence of the paper on the life of the person who read it was immeasurable, according to him.
While the primary focus of the paper was always on foreign and domestic news, it also regularly featured sections on Living, Science, and the Arts. Comics, puzzles, and a bridge column kept less astute readers entertained, according to him. Despite a lucrative advertising contract from Snausages, financial difficulties and/or apathy forced the closure of the paper after only four brilliant editions had been published.
The logo reproduced above appeared over the first masthead, reproduced below. Several articles carelessly culled from the Somervillian follow.
The stereo rack which Zev and David spent months and months building three years ago is still in use in Somerville. It's a big piece of junk, though.
In a move that shocked and terrified his closest friends and others, Ben Hippen, who is allergic to nuts, yesterday consumed roughly one half of a cashew nut. During the forty-three minute death-defying act, Ben kept stunned observers informed of his every reaction to the deadly nut juices. "I think I feel a slight tingling . . . " he was reported as saying at the pivotal twenty-seven minute mark. Cashew nuts, available locally at exorbitant prices, are imported from distant lands.
David Cohen today announced successful results from the eye-locating program he has been working on. The program is able to consistently locate Marilyn Monroe's left eye in a photograph depicting Marilyn Monroe's left eye. The program may or may not be able to locate her right eye. All persons with questions regarding Marilyn Monroe's left eye are urged to contact David S. Cohen and his fabulous computer program. Cohen received a Grammy award for his efforts.
Doctors at the Massachusetts General Hospital will today attempt an unprecedented surgical procedure in hopes of separating four patients joined at the eyeballs. All four patients are residents of 28 Lowell Street in Somerville.
"The rare medical condition set in on the day of the Olympic opening ceremonies," said Doctor I. V. Tube in a prepared statement. "It has persisted on and off since then, lasting from approximately six o'clock p.m. to two o'clock a.m. each night."
Bryant Gumball could not be reached for comment.
Zev grew a beard. The "growth" referred to in the headline is just the beard. It's not a weird alien fungus or anything--no, nothing so interesting as that. It's just a hairy beard.
"I'm pleased to say that my beard is heavily flecked with red," Zev shouted. "My grandmother's grandmother had red hair," he went on. "If you look carefully, you'll notice it's got some gold in it, as well," he pointed out. "Yesterday, I thought I found a blue hair, but apparently I was mistaken," he continued. "David, come over here and help me search my beard for new colors," he added.
"Will you shut up already!" Cohen chimed in. "I'm trying to sleep. Get out of here."
Ben Hippen, David Cohen, and Zev Handel, both residents of Somerville, have been unable to play a single game of bridge due to the fact that bridge, a game of luck and chance, requires four players. "It had been my hope to teach these two knuckleheads to play the game," said Cohen, inventor of bridge, "but I'd forgotten that it takes at least four people to play. I'm stunned, absolutely stunned." His next words were lost in a fit of sobbing, moaning, and carrying-on.
Cohen is reportedly considering renting his spacious closet out as a fourth bedroom.
Their regimen is grueling. On more than one occasion, they have been seen perched high atop the Snautilus machine, grunting aloud. Often, they converse in the peculiar jargon of experienced weight lifters.
"Yo, David," grunts Zev, "How come you's such a big musclehead?"
"I said how come you's such a big fat musclehead?"
"I don't know."
"Ungh. Yo, David, pass me that five-thousand pound dumbbell."
"Five-thousand pound dumbbell? Sounds like someone I know."
"Ar ar ar ar ar. Yuk yuk yuk."
"Yo, shut up."
Snausages: Good For You
"Nonsense," says Ben, "we don't have that many dishes."
"I can't wait until Zev leaves," notes David. "Every night it'll be cookies for dinner. Cookies, cookies, cookies. And Twinkies."
Wasting no time in dealing with the situation, Ben has already begun to divide up the chores that Zev will no longer perform. "Listen here," he explains to David, "I'll order the pizzas, and you pay for them. I'll stack the dirty dishes in the sink, and then you stack them in the cupboard. I'll take out the garbage, and then you bring it back in."
The Chinese government has forecasted a general rise in national cleanliness following Zev's arrival there.
Mmm Mmm Snausages
Snausages: Made From Meat
Wow, Snausages! Thanks, Mom!
Note: Snausages Cause Liver Damage
The trip began in Nice, France, where hostess Catherine Wu took the travelers in and offered them food and shelter, though never both at the same time. From there it was on to Monte Carlo, the city that makes dreams come true every minute. Unfortunately, Zev had dreamed the night before that he and his companions would lose eighteen dollars each at the casino, and his dream was transformed into reality with startling accuracy.
Next the trio boarded a sleeper train for Paris, where they met up with former roommate Stuart Semmel, currently residing in London. In the city of lights the fearsome foursome lodged at a nine-star hotel operated by a mysterious pair of twin sisters who weighed a combined five hundred pounds, though the weight was distributed in an 80-20 ratio.
The Eiffel Tower, The Louvre, Versailles... these were just a few of the monuments that the tourists were kicked out of when Stuart refused to obey the "shoes required" signs.
After five days, a tearful farewell was bid as Stuart, David, and Zev left Cathy behind and set out for England via night ferry. Stuart's London flat became home base for the group as their travels sent them criss-crossing the city by quadruple-decker bus. Of all of the great monuments, the one David was most eager to see was the famous Bucking Ham. He was a bit let down, but the changing of the guard proved to be quite fascinating—though perhaps not quite so fascinating as the changing of the shirt performed later in the evening by Zev.
Eventually the trip came to an end, and David and Zev returned to their native homeland, their innocence shattered. If next time you speak with them you find their sophisticated ways difficult to understand, merely nod your head and try not to let on that you have never set foot in the land where kings and queens mob the streets like so many hot dog vendors.
In a brief departure from their usual "facts-only" style of journalism, the editors of the Somervillian would like to inject a personal statement at this juncture. The statement is as follows. Here it is: We, your former roommates, would like to say that it was a pleasure rooming with you these past years, and would like you to know that your name still comes up frequently in our conversations, which have become somewhat more lively and interesting since your departure. Yes, you will not soon be forgotten in these quarters! Long live the name of Mr. Zey Hander!
197 HAMMAR - HANNA
Hancock D J Hancock J Hancock J Hancock M Hancock M Hancock M Hancock Realty Associates Hancock S Hancock T Hancock Vending & Supply Hand E E Hand R Hand S Hand T Handel J Handell Zev 28 Lowell Som.................... Handelsman K Handke J L Handler L Handler N Handley E Handley J
The Somervillian was founded in 1988 by David S. Cohen, Zev J. Hander, and Benjamin C. Hippen. Although Mr. Handler quit his editorial position earlier this year to work in the paper's foreign branch, his memory is still fondly cherished here at home.
The heavy machinery remain- ing at the Somervillian offices is to be auctioned off later this month. Among the items up for sale will be two automated typesetting mach- ines, five wood processors, and over one hundred printing presses. The building itself will be converted to a museum, in which will be housed various memorabilia commemorating the newspaper's three founders. Prominently fea- tured will be Zev's old beard, Ben's vat of iodine, and David's pants. Nothing else will be on display.
"Yes sir, I fomented it," said David in an interview yesterday. "Some other folks were saying they fomented it, but it was me."
Some speculate that Cohen's western ways triggered the unrest; others, meanwhile, hypothesize that it was his occidental lifestyle which instigated the uprising. Whichever the case may be, though, one thing is certain:
"I did it," said Cohen. "It was me."
Somerville -- A flash flood erupted today from a creek located at 35 Lowell Street in Somerville. The torrent swept down the street, destroying everything in its path before breaking up and draining away at a location near 29 Lowell Street.
Somerville -- Uncontrolled fires blazed on and near Lowell Street yesterday here in Somerville. The fires began when sunlight, reflected off of a car's side-view mirror, struck the lens of a nearby magnifying glass which was lying atop a pile of dry leaves and oil-soaked rags. This initially small confligration, located at 1 Lowell Street, soon worked its way (numerically) up the block, igniting more and more piles of gasoline and oil-soaked rags. The blaze finally was brought under control late in the evening in front of number 27 Lowell Street.
Somerville -- Homes located at 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, and 35 Lowell Street, Somerville, were crushed flat today by flying meteors. It is believed that the meteors originated on the moon.
Zec Peter 54 Church Som.................. Zecca B Somerville Ma..................... Zecca E Somerville MA..................... Zecca M & B Somerville MA................. Zecchini Pierre 15 Chester Cam........... Zecher Associates archt 42 Fayette Cam.. Zeckhauser Richard J 138 Irving Cam...... Zedex Ltd 215 First St Cam............... Zedlana Gloria M 237 Rindge Av Cam....... Zeff K 5 Walden Cam...................... Zegans Marc & Jennifer 1 SoldiersField Pk. Zehr Linda 11 Steeves Clr Som............ Zeichner S 299 Beacon Som................ Zeidler G 28 Sixth St Cam................ Zeig Lisa M 1558 Maschsts Av Cam......... Zeigler Rebecca 10 Chandler Som.......... Zello Habtesellessle 812 Memorial Dr Cam.
This page last modified December 17, 1995.
Zev Handel / zev_web#namkung.com